You may not remember; but I do. You may not see things that way; but I do. You may not believe. You may refuse to believe; but I do. I do because it has happened to me and it controls me more than you may think... why do you think my luck hides behind love and my love forever hibernates in a dark box that is always locked; 'Shut' to you and everything else?

Do you remember?

The door I swore I would never shut 

that was before it all went up in flames 

that was before they labelled  us by names 

that was before they falsely named me a slut

now that door I always shut 

Do you remember?

the window they broke and I later fixed 

when I swore once and for all I would leave it unlocked 

that was before they shot me and left me shocked 

when it's glass out they knocked 

Do you believe? 

I hate that we have not tied the knot 

there are days when I want to die and rot 

most of the time I want to get shot 

Now do you see why?

Why I deem myself out of luck

why my life really does suck

why in quicksand I am forever stuck 

why my window I will always latch

why my  door I will always shut 

my heart will remain shut

my eyes, to pain are shut

and will forever be shut 

Turn around to see the truth behind the mask I so tightly hold to my face please just one last time 'Turn Around'

Turn around it's a lie
turn your head so you don't watch me die
turn around for too long you've been stuck on the dark side
turn up, you don't have to hide
turn yourself in, let your punishment love decide
too late it will never be
broke your heart,did she?
wake up, turn around to see she is not me
give that one precious chance to me
you will see
you heart broken it will never again be
I know, I feel your pain, before my heart was broken by he
but God the light he helped me see
turn around to find me
standing
to feel you I am demanding
watching my heart expanding
turn around
to my ears your heartbeat is the sound
to my see you are the land
to my arm you are the hand
to my eyes you are the sight
to my feather you are the weight: light
so for the last time
Turn around
Please turn around
let your eyes me they see
let your heart take the lead
let us together be
turn around I am not she
turn around

Most of us have secrets we have trouble concealing and some kill us softly and slowly from deep within. This is 'The Secret' that tears me apart every time I think about it.

I kept it a secret
but it came out
leaving me hurt and trust in doubt
so wrapped up in that little game
love was proved to be a pain
and is now driving me insane
words are not enough to explain
mentality
gone
left with close to none
it is all gone
going
I am going
I am going nowhere fast
I am still here
but I am going crazy
they don't understand
they cannot understand
because they live outside our land
but the truth is life without him I can't stand
now from my heart love is banned
it was like falling from a height and crying to land
love is drowning in reality's quick sand
with darkness lurching around every bend
and the letters my heart refuses to send
this could very well be the end
to once again hurt I do not intend

Some people decide to look at my current life and think it has always been perfect but they couldn't be more wrong, there have been times when I have cried, there have been times when I died only to come back to life and face the pain all over again. I may be exultant now but- one first has to cry to smile- one has to loose a diamond and pick up a potato to learn a lesson and fill with enough regret not to let it happen again... I know exactly how it feels to be on the other side.

Okay,so we are torn apart 

promises are shattered

and I am still in your heart

seriously?

Please...

I think you need to take your leave 

after all we have been through, this is goodbye

I will look back and laugh while you cry

My feelings towards you I cannot deny

Hate,

I want you to keel over and die 

No, I am no-longer peace's dove 

I use to believe now all I say is...

Scrap love 

Love not for the colour of our skin but for the beauty laying deep within and judge not by the 'Colour Of Skin'

Love me not by the colour of my skin
but for the beauty that lies deep within
for to discriminate is a sin
don’t let hatered take over and win
to your beautiful rose that is a thorn
naked as the day one was born
to never fall into the trap of darkness you had sworn
but now that you have, you are the night consuming our dawn
remember my tear?
to help me forget to remember I consume beers
but the single tear, my muscara it still smears
your words, your comments, your stares, your glairs, my most  destructive fears
even behind closed doors, the father, still he hears
love, you need to make a change as the day of judgement nears
I love thee not by the colour of thy skin
I love thee for the colour of thy skin
I love thee despite your colour not being the colour of my skin
I begin to know you and love you for the person you are deep deep within
I pay no attention to in the past where you have been
so don’t see me for the pigment of my skin
don’t claim you hate me based on my past and where I have been
but most importantly don’t judge me for the colour of my skin

They find pleasure in seeing you tear apart, they live to see you suffer, they feed off your pain- so be careful who you share it all with- 'my worry for his pain'

Worry has seeped through the cracks that the destruction of adoration, freedom and contentment left behind; and I am here, left alone to face it all with no-one to turn to for support. No-one to confirm the safety of my love. Only the existence of those who decide it is their duty to determine if I do indeed love this angel or not, they run their mouths without the knowledge of anything we have been through, yet they claim they know it all and continue to state that it cannot be love. But the fact is they don’t even correctly know the duration of our life together so far. There are just something’s that are no-body’s business; something’s that no soul needs to neither know neither hear nor read about. Something’s are just mine- sharing isn’t always caring, sometimes it subjects you to get wounded by the bullets of all their mouths and killed by the artilleries of their actions.

They often secrete behind a facet nothing like theirs, you trust them; and that’s when they will strike you to the utmost power within them, in your time of need. It’s all happening to me. I am still unaware of the condition my love lies in. I can only hope he is safe, free from harm and no evil will ever come of him. I have yet to hear his state. The worry is consuming my every breath- soon there shall be no breath left untouched by this gut wrenching  feeling,  when that occurs matters shall be taken into the hands of only love.

I know how it feels because I have been through it all at such a young and early age don't let that be you next, this was 'my promise'

He told me to apologise. I promised. So I did. But the question remains...
why should I apologise for something that wasn’t of my own fault; something I was driven to do?
If you were greeted with a knife how would you react? I wasn’t. If you are constantly being verbally abused by the ones you thought ‘loved’ you, then what? It’s happened. If you are approached in an ill manner and stripped of your human rights; would you just sit there and shut your mouth? I didn’t.
What if you then apologise for not knowing what you are apologising for? I can make since of it. How could someone strip you of your freedom all together? I don’t know.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep without knowing the reason behind your rainfall? Before you ask, the answer is all the time. Sometimes things get a little too much to handle and that’s okay. Sometimes we can’t handle the hardship alone, which is fine. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we just don’t care. Sometimes we see but refuse to gaze let alone stare. And that is fine. Sometimes it’s a case of what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine? Thoughts, feelings and whatever else located on your mind. Sometimes that isn’t the case sometimes the pain and wounds are just scars that you want to hide. And that is okay. What isn’t okay is missing the night for its previous day, knowing you took it for granted, wishing you could go back because at that point you begin to want what you can’t have. Don’t let the weight of the world rest on your shoulders for too long because it will become heavier. I did. I ended up apologising for not knowing why I was apologising don’t let yourself fall into the same trap.