Wednesday, 15 April 2015

The Fall

Love is shield which cannot be sold nor bought. You know you're in love, when you have no desire to fall asleep because reality finally has the power to make your dreams a place where you live regularly, when you are awake. You know that, that one person is worth holding onto, when being with them causes your worries and cares not to seek but to permanently hide. You know they are irreplaceable, when they become the only thing your heart desires to remember. You know that your life is blossoming, like a red rose on the first day of spring awaiting a glorious future when remembering the tiniest things about them makes you smile so widely from deep within. You know it is something to hold on to, when you are no longer afraid to walk through fire because you have faith that its smouldering flames will come nowhere near your bubble of safety, for love is a heat proof shield. I should know. I fell.
With hands like iron they (everyone in society, a cruel group of people set out to kill) want to see us dying. I should know. Things are not exactly easy for me right now, even though financially I am on top of things, working in my preferred field (the music industry). Their aim is to keep us from being content. Even when you are living a dream come true, they will never let you be fully satisfied. I know because they have done it to me and I regret having to tell you that their plan was working, but with great joy I can inform you that it only lasted until my mind was strong enough to let go, lose control and give love a chance for once.
Who knew that love and hatred could be one? I sure didn’t. I never could have imagined a world where heaven and hell could put aside their differences and lay down together at the end of a traumatic day, but then I must have been blind, deaf and dumb, not to mention stupid (but that is another story) because that is what happens at the end of every single day, of every single week, of every single month, of every single year. It has been that way for years.
But I guess I wouldn’t have known, even if I wanted to, because my focus was built upon everything but social life. It’s as if my social life was imprisoned in an ominous part of town, you know, that one place that kids wouldn’t dare pass because it gives off a sense of ghastly images and causes nightmares to dance in a child’s head, as they rest their tiny little craniums on their cloud like pillows at night.
That is most likely why I was so zoned out of everything that was going on around me. Not because I didn’t want to know; but because I couldn’t get in touch with my social life even if I tried to. And believe me I tried. It was too late. It was gone. I left it for too long and now the race is against the clock. I am falling further and further into the pit called love.
I don’t know how it happened if I am completely honest. Actually I do...
It was the twentieth day of the month after December as I recall, he was a dear friend, a loyal companion and the only person that seemed to mean something to me at that particular segment of time. He was the sort of person who if he heard you singing Ed Sheeran’s song ‘Thinking Out Loud’ would join in and sing along. So it became our song. He always knew how to put a smile on my face, you see, he was everything and nothing.
He was gorgeous to say the least.
Saying that his eyes were blue is like saying the sun is yellow, sufficient but not enough to imagine the smouldering flame. When I gazed into his eyes and he gazed back nothing felt normal. I felt animated and at the same time petrified. I was given the strength of a million men but couldn’t lift a fly. When I looked into his eyes I don’t know how I felt. All I know is his beauty was captivating and it incarcerated me.
I was falling.
But I was stuck in the friend zone. He was a friend. I wasn’t to cross that line. My battle wasn’t with him. I was fighting against life and time was an extra obstacle standing in my way.
I lost my footing. I was falling. I fell. I crashed into his arms. He caught me. The clock still ticks, Tick Tock. Two days left until he takes me to church and there I shall declare my unequivocal love for him. Tick Tock. And when it is my turn to declare, lies will no longer be able to lie, they will speak honest and true. With the love strumming my vocal chords, they will become the first melody to our soon to be harmonious life together. My lips shall part on that day and pour out what lays in my heart, they shall allow the words to escape their prison cell and devour the room bouncing off the walls, I shall say...
“I never knew the existence of true bliss till I knew you; the definition of affection was a blur, non-existent almost, just like true angels on earth, or light in a moment of darkness (though at the first sight of you- that all changed.) But together we changed that. We bought light to the darkness. We assisted affection in defeating hatred. We proved life wrong and so I haven’t a shadow of doubt, together, we can conquer the world. We have overcome its’ obstacles and here we are today. So, in front of all those here, who bear witness in this  time of exhilaration I can now enlighten you further honest and true, in the future of my life I see but one standing by my side through sickness and in health and that is you. With these rings now on our fingers my prayers have been answered, now by law and by God’s merciful name I can call you my own today and forever to come. So lately I have been ‘thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, well, me—I fall in love with you every single day’ and that’s because you give me no other option but to love you. Your appearance is impeccable. Faultless. Some people decide to look at my current life and think it has always been perfect but they couldn't be more wrong, there have been times when I have cried, there have been times when I died only to come back to life and face the pain all over again. I may be exultant now but one first has to cry to smile. One has to lose a diamond and pick up a potato to learn a lesson and fill with enough regret not to let it happen again... I know exactly how it feels to be on the other side. I have been there. It bought me here to where I stand with you, hand in hand and if I could go back I would change... nothing. I would change nothing because it was all a path way of stepping stones that lead me to you. I only have eyes for you. I promise to honour and to treasure you through sickness and in health. You shall forever be my world” 
I may have fallen but I landed on a trampoline that shot me higher than where I fell from, and with Christopher by my side there I shall stay.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

I beg you Granddad please don't give up I am not ready to let you go it seems like just yesterday I waved you hello 'I Don't Want To' let you go

Please don’t give up
don’t give in
don’t let it win
I don’t want to lose you
the next time to you I talk
please don’t let it be you in your grave
if I could I would
give up mine so yours I save
the world to me you mean
I don’t want to ever think you are gone
I remember you told me sometime I’ll have to
you never were wrong
I don’t want to talk to a head stone
please don’t let go
Granddad, please don’t leave me alone
you called me your princess
and you were my crown
I promise I won’t let you down
you were my soldier
please don’t give up fighting
than that, Granddad you are stronger
I don’t want to believe you are leaving
I don’t want to miss you anymore than I do
I don’t want to be here without you
anything, I would give to hear your voice once more
but they say no more can you walk
carry now they must, you can’t walk
your heart is failing
if you could handle anaesthetic
the heart I would give you would be less pathetic
I don’t want to breathe knowing that you can’t
my heart you would get because I refuse to let you go

I suffer 'Memory Loss' but I remember everything and what it cost I remember what I gained and everything I lost yet I still suffer 'Memory Loss'

Lonely days
sleepless nights
nothing seems right
love bites
camera action lights
now I miss you so much
I walk my broken life without a crutch
live my days with tears and such
anything, I would do to feel your touch
my whole life I’ve been the boss
now with the memory, all the memory
I suffer memory loss
though I remember it all
nothing can break that brick wall
everything makes my skin crawl
forever I was told to latch my door
I did
I remember
you still left
since then it has been wide than open
I am being attacked by memory loss
from my neck still hangs Jesus on the cross
I now know I am no boss
I am the victim of memory loss
I remember it all
but all is lost
so the evidence of memory is gone
I never was a boss
I was born to be the victim of memory loss