Saturday, 10 October 2015

Life is crying and wants me back so let me kill it with kindness and smile back at it. 'Smile' life is too short

I smile
Life is too short
death is sharpening its clause
The curtains are being drawn 
still I smile
that’s why?
Death took what was mine
I cried
no we
no us


That’s why?
Now once again
I smile?
Stop questioning
the answer
is right before you

let me smile at life
for life is crying for me

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Them like to keep you hoping because the truth is bitter there truth is there 'no hope out there'

Sleeping with the rats 
Thanks to daddy's old bat 
What do you have to say to that
Not even in the winter my head in a hat
Selling me to men at 13 
Only because nature's curse has made me fit to bare 
No one can see the scars just a lonesome girl standing there
Can't escape so I rest never seen
Never heard
Not a cherp 
But then of course 
I am not a bird 
Though at times I wish I were
An eagle or a horse
Away from this pain and this house I need to prance or sore 
Freedom I beg don't be sour 
That taste is one you can devour 
Don't cause these tears forever more 
They say we are living the best of our days today
I hope that is not the case 
If so my life would become worse than hell may 
I never go a stray
Freedom please open the door
Before silence takes over me forever 
They say that blood is thicker than water
There is much that can explain 
We are not one of the same 
Married to my dad 
Now you seem to think you own us and his land 
I shan't make a mistake and ask for my hand you to take
That will give you the chance for it to a thousand times break
Dear lord may in my future only enlightenment be standing there
I only hope I will still have a head with hair 
After being a mop and a broom to sweep the filthy floors 
My only request is freedom please unlock your home door 
If not then only death I have in store 
And after I am gone people calling me a whore
Please freedom open your door
I need your help dear lord

This is the last time I apologize this is 'my appology'

You want me to appologise
So I will
I am sorry that for you I could kill
I am sorry at your request I spend my nights talking to you In the freezing cold by my window sill
I am sorry for you there is nothing I wouldn't do 
I am so sorry that you are incredibly stupid and don't have a clue
I am sorry for loving you
I am sorry that I let you decide 
But after all just like you said it is your life
I am sorry that now you are gone I refuse to cry
I am sorry my life is now too precious for you to die
I am sorry you want the truth so I am not going to lie
I am sorry I can't take the stress so this is goodbye  
I am sorry it hurts you to hear it never would have worked
I am sorry that my cleanliness was beasmuged  by your filthy dirt 
This goes without saying I am not sorry this is going to hurt 
I am not sorry because where there is no trust all love is cursed 
I am sorry I couldn't provide you with the pain you deserve 
I am sorry that I am not sorry at all
Because you bought it upon yourself when you built that brick wall

Friday, 12 June 2015

You are not stronger just because your legs are longer so don't even begin to criticize strength isn't just muscle size something you should bare in mind,'Stronger You Are Not'

You hate to see me happy 
I want to see you cry 
You hate to hear me laughing 
I just want you to die 
You say you want the truth 
We both know that's a lie 
You're craving for attention 
That's something you won't get
Call me what you want 
You will and that's a bet 
One thing you should do 
Remember don't forget 
Was it not I, you behind I left
I won't apologize so let that skip your mind 
The best thing I have done 
Was leaving you behind 
With us now apart it is another day
You're not going to like this 
But I am better this way 
So walk on down the road 
Never look behind 
Because when you see me fly
You'll wish that you wet blind 
You better run or you'll be late 
Life is closing its one and only gate
You might not believe but you I still don't hate 
But for happiness and smiles 
I would rather wait
For the first time in so long 
I am proving you wrong 
My life is a harpsichord and my destiny the song 
Despite your little judgement 
I still rest my head 
There is no point in seeing red
Nothing will join me as I rest when I am dead 
Remember when you laughed and watched me while I bled 
I prayed from the father you see forgiveness 
Then I went to bed 
You shot me with the dart 
Yet, no hate seeped from my heart 
This may be where we end 
But this is where I start 
Though you've been through a lot 
Stronger you are not 
I am sorry to have to say 
Your strength has missed a gap 
Don't be talking about strength 
Just because your legs have length 
 yes you are taller 
yes I am smaller 
that doesn't make you stronger
you are not stronger 
just because your legs are longer
When I get up to work
That is when you go to nap
So babe please 
Shut your massive trap 

Sunday, 3 May 2015

That feeling of guilt has devoured me alive and the pain is killing me slowly, painfully stabbing me like a partially blunt knife, it's all my fault and this I know and it only causes me to feel more 'Guilty'

After this I will be happy
I know I will be happy
he hasn't for a long time given me what I wanted
and all that time I cried myself to sleep
he wounded me
the stabs were razor cut
and tower deep
after this I'll be able to get my beauty sleep
It's the right thing to do
keep him but have myself another boo
I don't know about you
but if in time I could go back
this mistake I would never return to
I shouldn't have done what I did
lying on broken promises
what's his is mine and what's mine is his
only one thing of my own I have and it is this
the guilt which devours me, God forbid may it never be his
I opened myself to sin
I cut myself, from deep within
guily I am
feeling filthier than a bin
I am guilty
I won't let him know
if he knows I am scared he would leave me,

I could give you my eyes if you need just to help you see but he is something I am not willing to share because he is mine and cannot be bought with a penny or a dime so 'Get Your Own' for he is mine

Get your own
he is my man, I am not willing to share
he is a part of me not a part to spare
get your own
blue eyed
dark haired
pail skinned
heaven sent angel
if you can find one
there are none like him out there
get your own
don't you dare try take mine
not if you don't want to live a nightmare till the end of time
just in case you don't understand
he id not yours he is mine
I refuse to let you cross that line
he means the world to me
and with me he will forever be
don't believe me?
wait and see
bitch, nothing comes free
but you are cheap
you have no idea I could bury you deep
get your own heaven on earth
you are not even half of what he is worth
he was a blessing from birth
your own is what you need
get your own
or forever stay alone

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

The Fall

Love is shield which cannot be sold nor bought. You know you're in love, when you have no desire to fall asleep because reality finally has the power to make your dreams a place where you live regularly, when you are awake. You know that, that one person is worth holding onto, when being with them causes your worries and cares not to seek but to permanently hide. You know they are irreplaceable, when they become the only thing your heart desires to remember. You know that your life is blossoming, like a red rose on the first day of spring awaiting a glorious future when remembering the tiniest things about them makes you smile so widely from deep within. You know it is something to hold on to, when you are no longer afraid to walk through fire because you have faith that its smouldering flames will come nowhere near your bubble of safety, for love is a heat proof shield. I should know. I fell.
With hands like iron they (everyone in society, a cruel group of people set out to kill) want to see us dying. I should know. Things are not exactly easy for me right now, even though financially I am on top of things, working in my preferred field (the music industry). Their aim is to keep us from being content. Even when you are living a dream come true, they will never let you be fully satisfied. I know because they have done it to me and I regret having to tell you that their plan was working, but with great joy I can inform you that it only lasted until my mind was strong enough to let go, lose control and give love a chance for once.
Who knew that love and hatred could be one? I sure didn’t. I never could have imagined a world where heaven and hell could put aside their differences and lay down together at the end of a traumatic day, but then I must have been blind, deaf and dumb, not to mention stupid (but that is another story) because that is what happens at the end of every single day, of every single week, of every single month, of every single year. It has been that way for years.
But I guess I wouldn’t have known, even if I wanted to, because my focus was built upon everything but social life. It’s as if my social life was imprisoned in an ominous part of town, you know, that one place that kids wouldn’t dare pass because it gives off a sense of ghastly images and causes nightmares to dance in a child’s head, as they rest their tiny little craniums on their cloud like pillows at night.
That is most likely why I was so zoned out of everything that was going on around me. Not because I didn’t want to know; but because I couldn’t get in touch with my social life even if I tried to. And believe me I tried. It was too late. It was gone. I left it for too long and now the race is against the clock. I am falling further and further into the pit called love.
I don’t know how it happened if I am completely honest. Actually I do...
It was the twentieth day of the month after December as I recall, he was a dear friend, a loyal companion and the only person that seemed to mean something to me at that particular segment of time. He was the sort of person who if he heard you singing Ed Sheeran’s song ‘Thinking Out Loud’ would join in and sing along. So it became our song. He always knew how to put a smile on my face, you see, he was everything and nothing.
He was gorgeous to say the least.
Saying that his eyes were blue is like saying the sun is yellow, sufficient but not enough to imagine the smouldering flame. When I gazed into his eyes and he gazed back nothing felt normal. I felt animated and at the same time petrified. I was given the strength of a million men but couldn’t lift a fly. When I looked into his eyes I don’t know how I felt. All I know is his beauty was captivating and it incarcerated me.
I was falling.
But I was stuck in the friend zone. He was a friend. I wasn’t to cross that line. My battle wasn’t with him. I was fighting against life and time was an extra obstacle standing in my way.
I lost my footing. I was falling. I fell. I crashed into his arms. He caught me. The clock still ticks, Tick Tock. Two days left until he takes me to church and there I shall declare my unequivocal love for him. Tick Tock. And when it is my turn to declare, lies will no longer be able to lie, they will speak honest and true. With the love strumming my vocal chords, they will become the first melody to our soon to be harmonious life together. My lips shall part on that day and pour out what lays in my heart, they shall allow the words to escape their prison cell and devour the room bouncing off the walls, I shall say...
“I never knew the existence of true bliss till I knew you; the definition of affection was a blur, non-existent almost, just like true angels on earth, or light in a moment of darkness (though at the first sight of you- that all changed.) But together we changed that. We bought light to the darkness. We assisted affection in defeating hatred. We proved life wrong and so I haven’t a shadow of doubt, together, we can conquer the world. We have overcome its’ obstacles and here we are today. So, in front of all those here, who bear witness in this  time of exhilaration I can now enlighten you further honest and true, in the future of my life I see but one standing by my side through sickness and in health and that is you. With these rings now on our fingers my prayers have been answered, now by law and by God’s merciful name I can call you my own today and forever to come. So lately I have been ‘thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, well, me—I fall in love with you every single day’ and that’s because you give me no other option but to love you. Your appearance is impeccable. Faultless. Some people decide to look at my current life and think it has always been perfect but they couldn't be more wrong, there have been times when I have cried, there have been times when I died only to come back to life and face the pain all over again. I may be exultant now but one first has to cry to smile. One has to lose a diamond and pick up a potato to learn a lesson and fill with enough regret not to let it happen again... I know exactly how it feels to be on the other side. I have been there. It bought me here to where I stand with you, hand in hand and if I could go back I would change... nothing. I would change nothing because it was all a path way of stepping stones that lead me to you. I only have eyes for you. I promise to honour and to treasure you through sickness and in health. You shall forever be my world” 
I may have fallen but I landed on a trampoline that shot me higher than where I fell from, and with Christopher by my side there I shall stay.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

I beg you Granddad please don't give up I am not ready to let you go it seems like just yesterday I waved you hello 'I Don't Want To' let you go

Please don’t give up
don’t give in
don’t let it win
I don’t want to lose you
the next time to you I talk
please don’t let it be you in your grave
if I could I would
give up mine so yours I save
the world to me you mean
I don’t want to ever think you are gone
I remember you told me sometime I’ll have to
you never were wrong
I don’t want to talk to a head stone
please don’t let go
Granddad, please don’t leave me alone
you called me your princess
and you were my crown
I promise I won’t let you down
you were my soldier
please don’t give up fighting
than that, Granddad you are stronger
I don’t want to believe you are leaving
I don’t want to miss you anymore than I do
I don’t want to be here without you
anything, I would give to hear your voice once more
but they say no more can you walk
carry now they must, you can’t walk
your heart is failing
if you could handle anaesthetic
the heart I would give you would be less pathetic
I don’t want to breathe knowing that you can’t
my heart you would get because I refuse to let you go

I suffer 'Memory Loss' but I remember everything and what it cost I remember what I gained and everything I lost yet I still suffer 'Memory Loss'

Lonely days
sleepless nights
nothing seems right
love bites
camera action lights
now I miss you so much
I walk my broken life without a crutch
live my days with tears and such
anything, I would do to feel your touch
my whole life I’ve been the boss
now with the memory, all the memory
I suffer memory loss
though I remember it all
nothing can break that brick wall
everything makes my skin crawl
forever I was told to latch my door
I did
I remember
you still left
since then it has been wide than open
I am being attacked by memory loss
from my neck still hangs Jesus on the cross
I now know I am no boss
I am the victim of memory loss
I remember it all
but all is lost
so the evidence of memory is gone
I never was a boss
I was born to be the victim of memory loss

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Romeo and Juliet were not in love they were obsessed I know because I have come to realise the meaning of a 'True Romeo'

They were not in love 
they were obsessed 
of each other they couldn't get enough
with Romeo love was a diamond in the rough
he needed to keep it in
he needed to stay in the warmth of his bed and rest
love deserves the best of the best 
not someone who has death as an interest
being in love takes time 
Romeo was simply a lover of crime
to his name there was may a dime 
Juliet should have read the warning signs 
for a true Romeo, is ordinary
not an angel or a star
but a true Romeo you shall see from a far 
for his outer beauty may camouflage he
but his heart and love will never come to sabotage 
his hand he will always offer thee
before you can fully ask...
do you love...
he holds the rest- me 
a true Romeo you he shall protect 
not over every girl will his heart be hard to retract 
he was not the Romeo of a dream 
things aren't always what they seem
a true Romeo is honest 
a true Romeo has thy heart 
a true Romeo is my guy 
he is true because he is purely mine. 
Only mine!  

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Something's are just nobody's business like his name for instance so to you he has 'No Name'

He has a name
saying his name you be lame
so let's play a game
this game will drive you insane
like trying to set fire to the rain
nothing to lose but his name to gain
this will truly rack your brain
you may not know him but he knows you
because of him my favourite colour is blue
his name has one syllable not two
amazing even in hard times he pulls through
he belongs to me get your own he is not for you
he does have a name I promise
but it doesn't concern you- to you he has no name

Those eyes are a prison and his heart; the cell that refuses to let you escape but maybe I can't escape not because he won't let me, but because I don't want to. If only you could see what I see in his 'Eyes' then you would understand

we all have them
I think...
but his were a gift
the sky I see with my eyes
buried in the blue of his eyes
a restless ocean
a troubled sea
when I look in his that I do see
I know it's not just me
angels dancing
horses prancing
all in his eyes
they truly are entrancing
we may all have them
but none, a gift
none his
none heaven sent
none belonging to an angel
none belonging to a star
none you can visualise from afar
his do
he is my angel
he is my star
his- the only ocean blue sky-like eyes
everyone can see from afar
only he has those eyes

Never say never, there is always a chance of 'Forever'

I believed
forever should be never
now I know...
love should be forever and ever
the past I wish to sever
The truth is...
never should be forever
I wish I could tell you I still love you
or whatever
in ten years or whenever
I will with you be
whenever you need me
just wait and see
Forever should never be never
but never should never be never either
because never should never exist
never should forever be forever

Saturday, 21 March 2015

I didn't want to leave I hope you understand, it wasn't my desire I never thought I would find myself 'Leaving' those kids behind

I'm leaving
it's my last day
why can't time just stop and wait
wait for me because I am going to be late
these kids 
it is them as my own I truly love
of them I just can't get enough
I'm leaving
though, I don't want to leave,
I don't want to go
to time I want to say 'no'
but time is against me 
and today I'm leaving

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

This will change your perception on the definition of a sonnet, so just go don't 'Hold On'

Wait a minute 
hold on 
did yesterday you not say
you will love me until night replaces Day
until heaven with hell, together they lay
knowing they never will- will they?
By saying that you had vowed to stay
I only wish I could still call you bae 
hold up, hold on...
why am I still holding on?
Are you not gone? 
I was truly about you wrong
don't hold up, go, don't hold on
Don't hold up, don't hold on I going no I'm gone 

'New' beginnings are just the end of old endings and I hate them because when love is true between two there is no welcoming into it somebody 'New' and something so true won't allow for anything 'New' because true love stories never end so Mr. 'New' I hate you if *you* read this know I still love you

New me
new you 
this would happen this I knew 
our love was going to disappear into the blue
there would come a day when I could no longer see you
I would know sleepless nights this I knew 
I dread starting again
out with the old and in with the new 
new me 
new you
new black 
it's blue
nothing to look forward to
new bae 
new boo
old me 
please let it be the old you 
I would find myself begging this I knew 
when that fine line I drew 
this would happen this I knew 
loving black 
hating blue 
hating black 
loving blue 
though who cares I just miss you 
I love all things old
I hate all things new
dear Mr. New I truly and unconditionally hate you

Going 'Back' has made me realise how lucky I am to have what I have it took me throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock to then look 'Back' and realise I am fine this way

I am back
back here
back in time 
back to waiting in the line 
sent back- honestly it's fine 
being sent back to my youthful time 

I am back
back to the innocent old me
back to being the old me 
back to years previous to my current life 
back to not knowing the definition of strife

I am back
and from that life I want to be given the sack
I hate knowing it is confidence I lack
I want to come back
crawl back
sprint back 
swim back
and at the end of all that I might... take a nap

It is the flashbacks and memories of the past giving me a slap
and to my current life making me want to come 

You may not remember; but I do. You may not see things that way; but I do. You may not believe. You may refuse to believe; but I do. I do because it has happened to me and it controls me more than you may think... why do you think my luck hides behind love and my love forever hibernates in a dark box that is always locked; 'Shut' to you and everything else?

Do you remember?
The door I swore I would never shut 
that was before it all went up in flames 
that was before they labelled  us by names 
that was before they falsely named me a slut
now that door I always shut 

Do you remember?
the window they broke and I later fixed 
when I swore once and for all I would leave it unlocked 
that was before they shot me and left me shocked 
when it's glass out they knocked 

Do you believe? 
I hate that we have not tied the knot 
there are days when I want to die and rot 
most of the time I want to get shot 

Now do you see why?
Why I deem myself out of luck
why my life really does suck
why in quicksand I am forever stuck 
why my window I will always latch
why my  door I will always shut 

my heart will remain shut
my eyes, to pain are shut
and will forever be shut 

Monday, 9 March 2015

Turn around to see the truth behind the mask I so tightly hold to my face please just one last time 'Turn Around'

Turn around it's a lie
turn your head so you don't watch me die
turn around for too long you've been stuck on the dark side
turn up, you don't have to hide
turn yourself in, let your punishment love decide
too late it will never be
broke your heart,did she?
wake up, turn around to see she is not me
give that one precious chance to me
you will see
you heart broken it will never again be
I know, I feel your pain, before my heart was broken by he
but God the light he helped me see
turn around to find me
to feel you I am demanding
watching my heart expanding
turn around
to my ears your heartbeat is the sound
to my see you are the land
to my arm you are the hand
to my eyes you are the sight
to my feather you are the weight: light
so for the last time
Turn around
Please turn around
let your eyes me they see
let your heart take the lead
let us together be
turn around I am not she
turn around

Most of us have secrets we have trouble concealing and some kill us softly and slowly from deep within. This is 'The Secret' that tears me apart every time I think about it.

I kept it a secret
but it came out
leaving me hurt and trust in doubt
so wrapped up in that little game
love was proved to be a pain
and is now driving me insane
words are not enough to explain
left with close to none
it is all gone
I am going
I am going nowhere fast
I am still here
but I am going crazy
they don't understand
they cannot understand
because they live outside our land
but the truth is life without him I can't stand
now from my heart love is banned
it was like falling from a height and crying to land
love is drowning in reality's quick sand
with darkness lurching around every bend
and the letters my heart refuses to send
this could very well be the end
to once again hurt I do not intend

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Some people decide to look at my current life and think it has always been perfect but they couldn't be more wrong, there have been times when I have cried, there have been times when I died only to come back to life and face the pain all over again. I may be exultant now but- one first has to cry to smile- one has to loose a diamond and pick up a potato to learn a lesson and fill with enough regret not to let it happen again... I know exactly how it feels to be on the other side.

Okay,so we are torn apart 
promises are shattered
and I am still in your heart
I think you need to take your leave 
after all we have been through, this is goodbye
I will look back and laugh while you cry
My feelings towards you I cannot deny
I want you to keel over and die 
No, I am no-longer peace's dove 
I use to believe now all I say is...
Scrap love 

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Love not for the colour of our skin but for the beauty laying deep within and judge not by the 'Colour Of Skin'

Love me not by the colour of my skin
but for the beauty that lies deep within
for to discriminate is a sin
don’t let hatered take over and win
to your beautiful rose that is a thorn
naked as the day one was born
to never fall into the trap of darkness you had sworn
but now that you have, you are the night consuming our dawn
remember my tear?
to help me forget to remember I consume beers
but the single tear, my muscara it still smears
your words, your comments, your stares, your glairs, my most  destructive fears
even behind closed doors, the father, still he hears
love, you need to make a change as the day of judgement nears
I love thee not by the colour of thy skin
I love thee for the colour of thy skin
I love thee despite your colour not being the colour of my skin
I begin to know you and love you for the person you are deep deep within
I pay no attention to in the past where you have been
so don’t see me for the pigment of my skin
don’t claim you hate me based on my past and where I have been
but most importantly don’t judge me for the colour of my skin

Saturday, 7 February 2015

They find pleasure in seeing you tear apart, they live to see you suffer, they feed off your pain- so be careful who you share it all with- 'my worry for his pain'

Worry has seeped through the cracks that the destruction of adoration, freedom and contentment left behind; and I am here, left alone to face it all with no-one to turn to for support. No-one to confirm the safety of my love. Only the existence of those who decide it is their duty to determine if I do indeed love this angel or not, they run their mouths without the knowledge of anything we have been through, yet they claim they know it all and continue to state that it cannot be love. But the fact is they don’t even correctly know the duration of our life together so far. There are just something’s that are no-body’s business; something’s that no soul needs to neither know neither hear nor read about. Something’s are just mine- sharing isn’t always caring, sometimes it subjects you to get wounded by the bullets of all their mouths and killed by the artilleries of their actions.

They often secrete behind a facet nothing like theirs, you trust them; and that’s when they will strike you to the utmost power within them, in your time of need. It’s all happening to me. I am still unaware of the condition my love lies in. I can only hope he is safe, free from harm and no evil will ever come of him. I have yet to hear his state. The worry is consuming my every breath- soon there shall be no breath left untouched by this gut wrenching  feeling,  when that occurs matters shall be taken into the hands of only love.

I know how it feels because I have been through it all at such a young and early age don't let that be you next, this was 'my promise'

He told me to apologise. I promised. So I did. But the question remains...
why should I apologise for something that wasn’t of my own fault; something I was driven to do?
If you were greeted with a knife how would you react? I wasn’t. If you are constantly being verbally abused by the ones you thought ‘loved’ you, then what? It’s happened. If you are approached in an ill manner and stripped of your human rights; would you just sit there and shut your mouth? I didn’t.
What if you then apologise for not knowing what you are apologising for? I can make since of it. How could someone strip you of your freedom all together? I don’t know.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep without knowing the reason behind your rainfall? Before you ask, the answer is all the time. Sometimes things get a little too much to handle and that’s okay. Sometimes we can’t handle the hardship alone, which is fine. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we just don’t care. Sometimes we see but refuse to gaze let alone stare. And that is fine. Sometimes it’s a case of what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine? Thoughts, feelings and whatever else located on your mind. Sometimes that isn’t the case sometimes the pain and wounds are just scars that you want to hide. And that is okay. What isn’t okay is missing the night for its previous day, knowing you took it for granted, wishing you could go back because at that point you begin to want what you can’t have. Don’t let the weight of the world rest on your shoulders for too long because it will become heavier. I did. I ended up apologising for not knowing why I was apologising don’t let yourself fall into the same trap.

Friday, 30 January 2015

This one is dedicated to everyone that is struggling with drug/alcohol related issues, I know how it feels you are not alone and you never will be for as long as I and my future family live. Is it really all worth it when all you are doing is 'Pleasing The Devil'

When you drink, it’s the devil telling you to do so. When you swear, it’s the devil encouraging you to do so. When you curse, is it not the demon’s malevolence causing you do so? You may not know this, so I will speak of it, is he not the opponent of our Heavenly Father (our creator)? Was he not once the most cherished ‘till he not only refused to abide by the word of the most beneficent, but trampled all over his honour and aimed to revolve the Holy Spirit’s believers against him?

You do know that this is the same evil one causing you to hurt yourself willingly, right? Mothers are losing their most prised possessions everyday; they’re losing their children, all because of the power they allow these indescribable actions to acquire over their everyday lives. Millions of orphans locate their selves all over the world; they have lost their will to live and often think of putting an end to it all, most of them are no-longer among us (may they forever rest in peace). But you don't think of them when you are pleasing the demon of all demons do you? You end up tearing the lives of your loved ones apart. The words that escape your cage-like lips are not those of an angel. Does it not strike you when you hear your son or daughter wanting to escape into the pain of the outside world because they would rather get hurt themselves than to see their role model, the one who went through labour for them, the one who spent nine months with the weight of a child within her womb, the one who went through hours of excruciating pain to release a child into this cruel world pull herself apart little by little?

The control you lose when you are intoxicated could cost you your entire life. So think twice before you make the same mistake again, because that could very well be the last thing you do the last breath you take. Imagine it was; how would you face our creator come the day of judgement knowing the deceit you performed against him? Think twice.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

I only immune because the holy spirit is by my side, allowing the pain to hide. But even then, I am not completely 'Immune'

I am immune. I’m immune to the cold air heavily breathing on my flesh. Immunisation has infected me with a virus and this virus is stabbing the soul right out of me; but I feel nothing because I am immune. I’m immune to all pain. I’m immune to all sadness. I’m immune to all grief. I’m immune to all antagonism. I’m just infected. I will let you believe that, while I know the truth, lies on a different page, in a different book, in a different library belonging to my body; a library no-one can access but me.
The truth lies on a blistering page, a page that defines me. The author of the book? Me, myself and I.
In that book, on that page, my definition lies. The truth. I am an infection, a bomb, waiting to explode and I care too much... the truth. I am not infected. I am infecting. I infect with love. I infect with warmth. I am the virus.
To say I feel no pain is a lie, so it does not lie on my page, in my book, belonging to my library. It lies in the devils prison cell. I face pain of not experiencing the affection I was told I deserve by a heaven sent angel (or at least he was on in my eyes). I hurt when my nightmares spring to life. I die when those who don't know me begin to judge me by the colour of my unadorned and visible flesh. I tear apart when the rumours begin to vaguely emerge from the flood of darkness which fills only the most inconsiderate hearts.
Just like you I am human. I make mistakes. I am still learning. I have a heart. I have a brain.  A part of me is full of hate, but unlike you I refuse to let that part dominate. I love from my inner core. I accept the pain when it comes stampeding to my door. I allow you to punch, kick and beat me to the floor. I don't mind allowing you to spit at me, all because the bible says, ‘love your brother like I love thee’. On the Day of Judgment when we all bow before the Heavenly Father (our creator) and his holy son (our saviour) I will shed tears and ask him to forgive all of my brothers and sisters for all their sins... you are my brothers and sisters, not my enemies. Jesus taught us to love and never abhor, our holy saviour taught us to face life with an open never a closed door. I will forever follow in his footsteps.
And, that, is, the, truth.
That is the content of the page, concealed in the book, kept on a special bookcase, in the library belonging to my body; the page you will never read the page that whispers the command to allow you to cut me so deep and watch me bleed. That page is the reason I wake up smiling every morning and rest my head just the same every night. But they, the creator and the son are the reason I never learn to hate you, they are the reason I love thee with the very same affection they give me. 

Friday, 23 January 2015

I am not a free butterfly I am unable to spread my wings and fly but I am never forsaken for I am 'Taken'

when I say I am taken I mean it in my own way
I may not yet be taken by name
life may be taking me as a gamer behind a console playing a game
you may perceive me to be over-dramatic, strong but insane
I don't mind because it is not you taking my hand
you are not the lead singer in my band I am
on election day you will not be the one sanding at the stand
you will be sitting at home watching my speech on demand
a prisoner
captivated in his land
the land in his eyes
a lade of beauty like no other
he has me
by him I am taken
says without he’d be forsaken
if I said otherwise the truth would me mistaken
because the truth is...
by him heart has been taken.
My name is still my name
life is still the game that I play
pulling on their heart strings is the harmony of the music when the lights are out after day
I guess that is why I am taken
never left forsaken
by beauty and by love I will forever be taken

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Its been so long since I let the silence take the lead, its been even longer since I expressed myself and emotions through writing in the bitter-sweet 'Silence'

Who knew that the silence could be so deafening? I sure didn’t. Nothing could have prepared me for the earache I am now being caused by it. The deafening silence is rapidly killing swiftly and softly slitting my throat.

I am fighting a sickening civil war with the sound of silence settling into the room. Reliving our past, only to remember those life lessons I learnt from the piercing pain you gave me. The most expensive golden gifts are those that are priceless and the most priceless gifts are the ones given to you by life. I learnt that the hard way.

I learnt that by living life and releasing tears though my cries. 
The silence has proved itself to be more than just an enemy.

Monday, 5 January 2015

I know I haven't posted in a long time so I thought I would post up something special for you this one is called 'Broken Christmas'

I have always thought that if someone had begun to fall for me that I would know, even if we were a million miles apart, I would know, I would sense it; I’d feel it in my bones. Three days before Christmas I received a letter in the mail, as soon as the mail man had posted it through the diminutive rectangular hole that was carved and cut into my front door I awoke and fascinatingly staggered directly out of bed, it was outlandish because I usually enjoy twisting and turning in my divan, allowing the warmth of the soft duvet to embrace my almost unadorned flesh, but today I had no intention of enjoying such pleasure, it had felt as if I was not in control of my own two feet. Feeling as if I had been drinking gallons the night previous, trying to piece the puzzle back together to figure out if I had been drinking, if this was a hangover, the feet that had developed a mind of their own had lead me to my front door. That was when I saw it. My heart began to sink. My knees weakened. The handwriting, I could have sworn I had seen it somewhere before, my well-known ‘bad memory’ began to cloud my brain with flashbacks of the past; the life I led, the love I gave, the hurt I felt, the strength I gained, the hope I lost, the confidence I hadn’t, the moments I missed, the days when I longed to once again be kissed. It was becoming too much to soak up into my already saturated mind at five thirty a.m., being the time of day it had been I couldn’t even remember what the date was.

As I leaned in to pick it up, bending double, tears streaming down my face forming a waterfall. Finally with the golden envelope in my fragile hands, I noticed the ink used looked similar to that of the one in the pen I had been given five years ago to fill in my ex’s birthday card (of course I no-longer have that particular pen but I remembered the ink from that moment in time when everything seemed so sweet in my bitterly naive mind, because its colour was intriguing.) I made my way into the kitchen and turned on my kettle, I loved the sound of boiling water first thing in the morning; but not knowing the content of the letter just caused it to frustrate me further as I held it above the kettle so that the water vapor would cause the enclosed envelope to release the note that lay comfortably within. I watched as the covalent bonds of the glue that sealed it shut began to break. Once it had fully opened I gently battered the not out of the envelope much like little kids batter their presents trying to get through to the object(s) inside the wrapping paper. The only difference is I am not a kid and Christmas has not yet blossomed its unready flower into this world. I picked up my glasses which I had left on the counter the night previous and put them on. The letter read…

Romeo and Juliet were not in love, they were obsessed with one another. Love takes time to develop, and ‘love’ at first sight isn’t love, it is merely lust and nothing more, but could be less than even that. To love someone comes naturally, like a baby adapting to its mother at first sight. But to fall in love is different.
The letter Friar Lawrence wrote to Romeo was nothing other than the words of Juliet when she declared her feelings for him in so many words, the letter she wrote stated:
when you were here
I smiled without smiling
I laughed without laughing
my eyes spoke without my mouth opening
all because you were there to understand
to my island you became the land
now you’re gone
nothing is the same
My heart doesn’t skip a beat at the sound of her voice calling my name
never has, never will
because the truth is I love you still
I fear I may be too late in telling you
I shouldn’t have waited for so long
you’re gone
smiling no longer feels like smiling
when you were here sleeping wasn’t something I wanted to do
I would lay there just thinking of you
but now without you here life is just a drag
here killing me now is the pain
the pain of knowing I played and lost out on our little love game
maybe I shouldn’t have played a round in your game of win or lose
I just wish without hiding that I could freely be with you.

This letter he never received.

I am not writing you the letter Romeo wanted to send to Juliet but never got the chance to. I understand you may not know who I am right now and that’s okay but I just want you to know you can always depend on me to be the shoulder you can lean on, the poet to the heart break and the love to mend big heart. I’ll be the one who will be with you for life if you just give me the chance to. It took me a long time to build up enough confidence to be able to tell you and even now it’s not to your face but at least you will know that you are loved. I love you.

Signed x
I froze. I was stuck in the moment trying to figure out who x was. It couldn’t have been my ex; his handwriting was awful it looked like the writing of a three year old at the age twenty-seven not to mention that after the breakup he moved out of the country and into Turkey, I haven’t heard from him in almost four years.

That aside I still needed to write my letter to Santa and post it off. So I bought out my quill pen and a piece of paper I had smeared coffee all over the night previous to make it look old, and began to pour my heart out.

Dear Santa,
They tell me to stop believing lies, they say your existence is a lie, so this Christmas, I have a question. Well… a question and a request. I hope its okay with you. I’d like to know, what is the truth behind a lie?
I have always thought that the definition of the truth is built up on lies, but then what is a lie?
I have always perceived that the truth is only lies you have forever been denying to be and believed instead of distrust.
So therefore, the truth is only lies which we choose to forever deny; the truth is everything we choose to believe instead of doubt.
To them this doesn’t seem to be normal, they have a different definition. What is it with their obsession with normality?
They don’t even know what normal is?
So this Christmas please answer the question that is stabbing the life out of my every day, Santa,
‘What is the truth behind a lie?’
I also thought there is something you might be interested in knowing before I make my one and only Christmas wish for this year…
I received a letter signed x; I think I have found someone
I don’t quite know who it is but I have a feeling that when I finally find out who he is, he will make my heart skip beats on the go,
He has already changed my perception of life altogether.
My one and only desire this Christmas is for ‘x’ to continue being blessed so he may forever lead a blissful life and find ease in overcoming life’s challenges
Thanks Santa xx

I enclosed the letter in a silver envelope and inserted a black bow onto the right corner of the envelope (where a stamp is usually inserted). All that was left for was to get dressed and mail it off.  My hair was put up in a ponytail before I applied not only my MAC volume mascara but also my Dior lip liner, and cherry red lipstick filled in the gap. I wore a pair of Zara sunglasses to compliment my look which consisted of my white skin tight top, red skinny jeans, a black channel clutch and my glossy white heals. As soon as I was perked up, I grabbed both letters and was out of the Victorian house faster that a Ferrari on full speed.

The mail box was less than a fifteen minute walk away, so I got there fairly quick, kissed the envelope leaving a lip print on the back and posted it off. With a sigh releasing an ‘amen’ once again I was on the move.

Work was next on the list.

Now at the tube station, I knew I was going to make an early arrival at the Crown Court, I had a case to fight today and with the extra boost I received this morning I’ve no doubt that I will win this case, my client shall get justice, he is innocent. Oh did I forget to mention I am a lawyer specialising in criminal and co-operative law for the English Crown Court.

The tube station is empty just like I knew it would be at this time of day, not many people are out at six a.m. but for this particular client I am willing to make such sacrifices because I have a gut feeling, I know he is innocent.

My train had arrived promptly and was reasonably filled which was much to my surprise. I decided to pull out the letter and read it over once more just to ensure that the early morning drowsiness hadn’t caused me to imagine its striking content. As I read it over I could imagine his voice in the back of my mind speaking to me, whoever x may be  I was so deep in thought I very nearly missed my stop, but was able to snap out of it just in time.

I was kicked by a sudden warmth to my heart as I set foot off of the train. By the time I had arrived at The English Crown Court it occurred to me that x could very well be Aaron Simon Williams, my client. The way he always seems to stare at me with such calm in his glimpse. Could it be him?

Eight thirty five on the dot, the court room began to fill up like a bath tub underneath a running tap; by eight fifty the court room was full and the barrister had announced the motion to the jury. My confidence began to fade as I thought to myself… what if Aaron wrote the letter? I cannot afford let him down, but he is my client I need to keep a professional relationship between the two of us. He is quite dashing though. If I even think of saying yes to any of his questions it could cost my job. But Aaron-

‘Miss Malone you may take the stand’ the judge’s words allowed me to get a grip of myself and battle Aaron’s case like I have never battled before.

‘Ladies and gental men,
Aaron is a victim of circumstance his race is constantly portrayed negatively by the media. The time has come to change that. You can change that. They have been trapped in society’s prison cell for way to long. Even songbirds deserve their freedom; the only problem with this songbird doesn’t emerge for within his being but from those around him, his voice has been silenced by society, that changes today I am giving him his voice back because his motive stands strong he is innocent…’
Two hours later we were told that the case had been dropped in our favor. My heart felt like flying. Aaron came to thank me for winning the case, he used no words but his voice was heard through the connection his lips made with mine.
We had gone our separate ways home because we lived in the opposite ends of town, once at my front door I received a phone call. ‘Miss Malone speaking how can I help?’
Wailing cries roared though the phone ‘Aaron is dead. He lost his life in a car accident forty minutes after leaving the court. Thank you for clearing his name he has died an innocent man.’
It sounded like his mum was on the other side, whoever it was, was torn apart much like I had become. She told his funeral was to take place on Christmas day and it would be much appreciated if I was to attend, because he spoke of me only in a kind manner in his living days and he would say that I was the sort of woman he wanted to spend his life with.
My Christmas was broken.
 My heart was shattered.
I was dismayed,
 I hadn’t even received the chance to confirm my feelings for him though letters nor words.
When the 25th of December had arrived, the sound of letters creeping through my letter box awoke me from my slumber at five thirty a.m.
 I sat on the edge of my bed side, shoulders slouched, my eyes became rubies and they were producing diamonds endlessly. My head began to ache from weeping like a widow for so long.
The phone rang…
I answered with shaking hands and hope that it would have been a mistake. It was Adrian on the other side of the phone, my boss, my broken voice was losing its strength but I could just about utter the words ‘Miss Malone speaking how can I help?’ before I could speak no longer and once again broke down in tears.
‘Good morning Miss Malone, I am sorry for your loss’ a synaptic tone caressed my ear lobe but I knew that this heartless man didn’t call in to empathize, he had something else on his mind, I was becoming frustrated and my voice began to pull itself together, it was evident in my voice that I was not in the mood,’ it’s not your fault thank you is there anything else you need?’
As suspected Adrian continued ‘ well… actually there is one other thing, Cassandra is unable to attend her assigned case today due to her being hospitalized is it possible for you to fill in, the family need someone to fight their case and you are my strongest employee.
I hung up.
Got dressed in my mid black dress matching colored gloves and heels, made my way into the cab and was at the funeral in time for the burying party to lower the body into the rectangular shape dug into the ground. The shape reminded me of my letter box. I knew now that my letterbox would be a constant reminder of this day.

I could faintly hear the priest though he was standing practically beside me ‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust…’


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