Sunday 23 December 2018

Laws were supposedly put into place to make sure society is kept safe. But how? By keeping our brothers locked up and living in constant anxiety making their lives a "Prison" cell? The system is wrong in so many ways.

Prison: where you are confined after a criminal arrest.
There, to detain you, they try their best.
Surrounding you with officers; north, south, east and west.

They say laws are put into place
for no other reason than to keep people safe
but reality says they just want to wipe that smile off of your face.

Caging people like animals behind bars.
A place where what’s yours is “no longer yours, it's ours” 
A cell that prevents you from travelling let alone going far. 

And, even leading up to your conviction, 
your happiness is made to be fiction. 
And, thinking about the what-ifs, becomes and an addiction 
Over your life they now have jurisdiction. 

But don’t let them. 
Your life is a blank sheet don’t give them the pen,
because they will have control over you then.
Your life will follow the cycle: think, sleep, wake and over-think again 

Don’t give these dogs the satisfaction.
Don’t change or cut off all other human interaction; 
you’ll give them what they want with that reaction.

Don’t over-think, 
and tape your eyes open in fear of missing something 
if you blink 

Because the secret is there is nothing they can do, 
if you don’t let them get to you. 
And, to yourself stay true,
Don’t put on a mask whatever you do 

It’s okay not to be okay. 
This is the time when you realise who will be there on your darkest day.
Keep those who will show you they care in every possible way.

If all is followed, 
Then in sorrow, there is no reason to wallow. 

It’s all going to be okay 
Because to get to you they will have no way.

Wednesday 19 December 2018

With Christmas fast approaching many are left wondering about their gifts, apart from those who were lucky enough to receive theirs early and now only the letter to say "Thank you Santa" awaits. Well, I have Witten mine.

Thank you Santa, I wasn’t expecting this 
the perfect early Christmas gift 
And it all started when going out, he said I can give you a lift 

Now I can put my mind to rest
Don’t have to worry if I am on the list 
You have made true my one and only wish 

Where once it was nothing but fear 
That all disappears 
When he gets home and lays beside me here 

With his arm around me 
Invincible and safe I feel I am and can be
All because I came down here with him that night to get ready

So, Santa thank you 
You truly are amazing just like him at everything you do


Monday 17 December 2018

When someone becomes part of your life and daily routine, it is beyond difficult to even imagine parting even if it is for a day but in my case we were 'Separated by December'

Oh sweet sweet December, setting our hearts an ember 

We’re spending Christmas apart
Though yes, that hits like a dart
I will take you with me my shining star 

Yes, you won’t hear the carollers I hear sing 
Or the bells that I hear ring 

We won’t be standing together under the mistletoe 
Or resting our heads side by side on neighbouring pillows 
And that’s going to be hard, trust me babe, I know 

But that will only make us stronger 
Even though one day killed and this is four days longer 

But when all is done nothing is to be lost 
Not at any cost 
My arms wrapped around you will protect you from the frost 

Saturday 15 December 2018

Does one ever get hit by 'Regret' after the inevitable lack of forever is not just presented but also set? When we have something good going our species tends to always look for better and for a while we find it but then we wind up with nothing neither what we originally had nor what we thought we found. That is the point at which we realise "Regret" is all we have left.

It feels like cheating
laying here, listening to his heart beating

Waiting for the "I've had enough"
to which I'll reply "this was never love"

I see you leave
biting your tongue and gritting your teeth

It's six
nothing left to fix

Said "I won't"
to which you responded "please don't"

A  promise
followed by a hopeful voice

Not yet and as it stands never to be together
so why waste time seeing forever

Now filled and seeping with regret
the inevitable lack of forever is set.




Sunday 2 December 2018

A 'Heartbeat' is very telling for it can't lie and only speaks the truth even if all else tries to deceive, one's 'Heartbeat' is something to always and forever believe

With my head on your chest
in my mind 'baby you're the best'
and 'like this I can forever rest'

Focused on the rhythm of your heartbeat
being stuck here in this moment is oh so sweet
if I ever was given the chance I would keep this on repeat

Every thud on your chest I can feel
so satisfying, so real
A memory I would forever want to steal

beauty is you
beauty is in this moment everything you do
and how at first sight my heart grew wings and flew

Your heartbeat is music to my ears
As I lay on your chest, I love you my dear

This is one of my dearest pieces even though it conceals my true feelings very weakly it was the first time I saw interest and intrigue when 'Your Request' came through

At your request,
to write this poem, I try my best.

On the first night, I spoke of my fear of heights
the highest building that night you wanted to climb
though say it I didn't, in my mind
'not alone but with you I might'

By the water we sat
I don't tell you, but my memories always take me back to that

Now onto what I love like
or rather, what you told me to write

One look into your eyes
and gravity my heart defies

The way you held my hand
softly, subtly, unplanned
something I now understand

Your shyness at the start
yet everyday a little more you melt my heart

And to my world you bring a light
I'm glad I came to the shop that night

Or the way we looked up at the stars
I knew then, that moment will always be ours

So yes I love like you
to an extent of which you have no clue

I can't say anything else apart from thank you for being 'My Happiness' my sanity and insanity, You complete me.

I'm finally beginning to see
what's been standing there in front of me

I didn't think I deserved even half of this,
for with you I have nothing but sheer bliss

That summer on every shooting star I made a wish
you are one thing on my bucket list accomplished

I could be completely enraged
but all that is caged by your arms around my waist or one look at your face.

You're amazing
no wonder our flame is effortlessly blazing

Yes, I'm crazy
but not when I say 'you complete me'

and I know you've never been in love
but my vow is and always will be to forever shield you like a glove

People suffering from mental illness can find themselves overwhelmed by anything and everything happening, and can often 'Feel like it's all too much. So when that happens take the time to just 'Feel'

Feel.
I want you to feel
not pain or love or lust
but feel you must.

Savour the moment
not alone.
Alone it's empty
and screams darkness don' it?

I want you to feel care,
not to care,
or wonder when she isn't there.
Just, take care.

See what's in front of you.
Beside not behind you.
stare like it's the last thing you'll ever do.
see, just there.

I want you to be.
I'm not asking you to be yourself
or anything or anyone else.
Just be...

Here in this moment.
Feel, savour, see and be here.




It honestly gets to me more than anything else that men are shunned for suffering for depression and being depressed. It's not their fault society is just a mess. 'The Reality of Depression' and mental illness is far more sinister than to the naked eye it may appear.

They tell you it's alright.
So why does it stay over night?

It's okay.
But, it won't go away.

It's not too bad.
Okay, do you want to try?

You're over reacting.
Inside, a hell fire is burning.

It's all for attention.
it's not attention seeking, it's depression.

Go kill yourself.
Thanks for the permission. Its better than living in this cell.

Why are you so quiet?
Of life I'm just tired.

You're too loud.
Are you disturbed by me speaking out?

You're weird.
Normal is boring dear.

Your make up is a mess.
to cover my scars my entire face wears a dress.

You're poorly dressed.
Want me to apologise for being depressed?

10.11.18 The scare of one's life came into mine when just after 2 hours the text was received, you had crashed your 'Motorbike'

You know what it's like
for someone you love to lose their life
yet that nearly happened to you last night
when on that road, you crashed your bike.

It seems like you live for the thrill
now correct me if I'm wrong, but is there a hole that is to fill
you've already crashed once this week clearly that's taught you nil
until your life was nearly used to pay the bill

I won't blame it on luck
I see it for what it is, her eyesight fucking sucks
You for her, try to cover up
What? because her family semi showed you love

Of course they would
because sew their daughter they knew you could
so done it was to convince you that you shouldn't which by the way you really should
Big whoop. Under the wheel they should have stood.

The medics were called to the scene
where once your healthy bike and helmet would have been
honestly on the bridge of her nose specs should have been if she can't fucking see
All this while sitting at home where you left me,
drafting a message to your friend to ask if you he had seen

Your text to me later on that night
read ' never again will I ride a motorbike'
and that only took seeing your life flash before your eyes
but knowing you it should have read 'until next time'...

Somethings if not given a chance first appear 'Unhealthy' no matter how much they may later benefit you if ever given the chance.

You're poison,
Carbon Monoxide to my lungs,
Addiction to my brain,
unknowingly you drive me not crazy, but insane
and when you're done,
when you've had your fun,
I'm gone.

At the rising of the sun, you appear
somewhere else, with someone else
anywhere, with anyone
just not with me here

You become all I can think of
it's obsession not love

And as I am not yours
I will let you, alone, find the door

Congratulations! I want you NO MORE xoxo

It's one thing to build a wall so high, it's another to let someone climb that wall and then line it with poison ivy on the other side, you become your own prisoner, 'Captured' not by your other half but by your pride.

Every time you get closer 
my heart beats over and over 
you've got me higher that ever

You've got me up against the wall 
every time you walk through that door
~faydee

always wanting more

If you can't already tell
the deed has been done all too well,
from the highest point, alone I fell

It's taken over me,
consumed now, it won't let me be
nothing else it will let me see

...help... me... 

By you I've been captured
into your custody released
and by you, recaptured

By space I am continuously tortured
my heart- fractured
and by you, after every breath, enamoured.

Saturday 10 November 2018

You are the insomnia keeping me awake at night and the energy I run on during the day. You are the driving corse behind our 'Conversation' and I am the gear

Okay,
Night turns to day
The sky goes from black to grey

It’s 4:22
The affect of talking to you 

The conversation turns to: Sugar and energy drinks
I’ll pour those down the sink 

Talking to you makes it impossible to even blink
So you see, there is no need for those, don’t you think?

Tick tock 
Goes the clock 

As time continues to fly 
The moment is swiftly passing by

Music drowns the sound 
Sorry am I being “too loud”

But then reality kicks in: 
You have less than 6 hours 

I have slightly longer before I have to face the skyscrapers and towers

As much as I hate it 
I’ll have to talk to you in a bit 

Wednesday 7 November 2018

He remains 'Clueless' and I don't want to be the first to say it.

I want to tell him
I really do
but, the light of trust runs dim
so... 'I'm falling for you'

He doesn't see
clueless he is
I've fallen- with him my heart yearns to be
the truth is this...

I love you
This feeling won't shake
No matter what I try to or actually do
my heart, yet again is vulnerable to break

He:
melts my skin
softens my breath
from deep within
loving him is a subtle death

With him:
Butterflies are not all I get
Doubt of self
the mood is set
again to be returned to the shelf

The truth will be seen
The lies'll become clear with time
somewhere I've already been
He is just another in the line

I know he doesn't know,
but he doesn't know I do
clueless I'm not
in his life I have no spot.

Monday 7 May 2018

The 'Day' is made up of nothing but time and funny enough so is life but for the one you claim to love you don't have time.

60 seconds in a minute
60 minutes in an hour
3600
seconds- your hour

0 invested
for a while, it was accepted
24 hours- my day
that’s 86,400 seconds
coming your way
In a week 7 days
yet you ‘have no time’
you continue to say
But you ‘put in the effort’
strange, I’m not a part of your day

Tuesday 1 May 2018

The only way to know if something is really yours is to let it go. Give it 'Distance and Time'. If it comes back it's yours. Keep it, cherish it and never lose it. If not then it never was.


If space is what you need
tell me
and I’ll let you be
the best policy
honesty

An inch you already have
a mile you can take
but ten, ten means a break

Although say it, I no longer do
when apart
deep within all hell, breaks loose

Killing me you are
its sad, strange and
all of the above
where once you were my star

Now we live separate lives apart
despite your residence
in the centre of my heart

We’re drifting
dropping when we are meant to be lifting
dying where all else is living

This needs time
that’s not a crime
it just means the past was a waste of mine

But you know what?
It’s fine.
Maybe my feelings crossed the line.

So on a silver platter I’m serving you 
distance and time.

Tuesday 17 April 2018

Some see love as a blessing. Sins they say there are seven. Here is something to think about though... What if they are oblivious to love's real definition being 'The Eighth Deadly Sin'?

Constantly living in fear
Not prepared to lose
The one I hold to my heart so near

Trying so desperately
To silence the thoughts
Voices in my mind
Telling me
“Walk away”
“it’s okay”
And
“Leave it all behind”

I don’t want to hear it
Silencing the footsteps toward the door
Blanking the vision of a life with him no more

They were wrong
deadly sins- they say there are seven
What about that which deceives you
Making you believe you are in heaven?

What about the one that builds you up
Only to know you back down
Lights your flame
Only to drown you out
Makes you believe
Only to then deceive

What about the eighth guest
On the devil’s party list
The one after the seven deadly sins

The plus one
The date
The one who tells you
Sorry I’m running late
Only to not turn up after letting you wait

What about love?
Deadly sin number eight.

Tuesday 13 March 2018

The world presents you with things and leaves it all open to interpretation, 'Definition' is something we create.


Perfection:

Faultless

Eyes you lose yourself in
living in the here and now
forgetting where you’ve been

The experience of the sweetest
summer air in the winter

That warm embrace
beats empty sheets any day

That laugh,
enough to turn a nation

The fire
that silently burns softly
sleeping soundly deep within

The way the lips form words
and words settle into sentences

The look
a gaze at the dawning of day
at a sleeping lover

That whisper when sound
is inappropriate
‘beautiful’

That kiss
enough to melt the snow

A baby’s first breath
the smile on a mother’s face

The tears of a bride
as from her parents she separates

And then there’s
you

If it withstands all obstacles and makes you feel like together you can conquer the world. If you struggle to find the words to explain how you feel because it's far too beautiful to be explained. That's love, and this love is 'Ours'


This love is, mine. His.
Ours

This life: ours.
Our home: the sky you see from afar
and us: the stars

The look in our eyes
the unfortunate
but thanks to you guaranteed goodbyes

So understand
the respect I put in your hand
if in the way of us, you stand

re-transfer the respect back into my hand.

Tuesday 6 March 2018

Secrets may make you but if left buried may also destroy their very own creation... You! It was time for him to 'Tell Me'.

He’s keeping something
that I know
he hesitates not, to reveal
there is something he can’t yet to me reveal

But what?
His voice resonates

over
and
over again in my thoughts…
vivid memories now consumed
by the fearful thoughts of what he has to say

Does he not feel the same way?
Please, say something
anything just don’t let that be the case.

In such a short amount of time
despite my phobia of heights,
the highest mountains with him I feel capable to climb

He doesn’t want to tell me
desperate times call for…

Reverse psycholog-

Oh wait no need, 
In his eyes guilt and fear; I never thought I’d see 

Just before, he turns his head
facing me

‘I completely understand if         
after this you don’t want to talk to me’

Please don’t,
is this the end
the destiny written in the stars for me
I don’t think he realises how much he is scaring me

Say something
get it over and done with already

I feel it coming
my face going pale
in the distance I see this ship setting sail

My strength is becoming weak
my knee caps, comfort from the ground they seek
Okay girl,
BREATH!

Calm down
Inhale
exhale

He has 'a son'?

Thank the infernal gods
your mind has slightly loose cogs.

What do you expect? He drives me up the wall-

CRAZY!


Sometimes it is disregarded and swept under the rug, the true hapiness that love could bring and the beauty that befalls a person when they are able to put the I in 'You and I'

Quickly.
It's now something they
want
even need

The oxygen for lungs to breathe

Something they itch to, but can comprehend.
'what do you mean
you get back the love you spend'

The response: Oxygen to their collapsed lung- URGENT

The secret:
Simply, you and I,
the fading desire to cry and
no longer about happiness, a need to lie

They don't know... Never will
it will rest with us until we die.
You and I.

They say that happiness makes you gain; and it does... it made me gain weight. Where once I dreaded what we call 'Weight Gain' it seems like there was once when I was evidantly insane.

From 48 to 57.9
So much unfortunate gain, in a shot amount of time
'I love chubby girls... don't worry you look fine'
"fine" that to you I look, but these insecurities are all mine

Belly nearly flopping, below my belt
never bigger but more beautiful have I ever felt (WOW!)
Even at 5ft and weighing 48- with negative comments I have always dealt
that's all gone.

With every word, heartbeat and breath, in your hands I melt.

Eating habits: they didn't exist.
In a food court never before did I sit.
But, being around you, bit by bit...
I picked up on your dreaded eating tactics.

In the cold, thanks too food, I'm more able to keep you warm.
Thanks to you I now wake up hungry at the crack of dawn.

Time comes to a hault, the air feels instantly warmer and life just tastes sweeter, at the unexpected sound of 'I Love You'

Thanking you for the amazing day.
At the Bus-stop
242 follows the 38

Holding onto each other,
like never again will we see one-another.
The dreaded time...

Goodbye.

Pulling away-
too fast came the end of the day.
Holding myself
trying not to be the first to say...

'I love you'
'FUCK! NO! WHAT DID YOU SAY?'

You beat me to it
then ran before I could sit.

through the back door of the 38
I can't say it back- too late
out through the front

temperature below freezing
So why not?
You blame your increased adrenaline (running) on the cold.

This goes out to the love of my life: No matter how much I write, or what I write... no words will able to make you visualise the extremety of 'My Love For You'.

My love for you
honest and true
the world you mean to me
with you I am blessed to be

It's God's amazing grace
the reason my sight lays upon your gorgeously perfect face
no-body knows
the meaning of when I say 'I love you' loads

This is how it goes
perfect you are from head to toe
I love every piece of your hair
even the ones that are no longer there

I love the eyebrow you 'accidently' shaved
first sight of you, I simply just caved

Just because you know me that doesn't necessarily mean you have completely mastered 'The Truth Behind My Complexity'.

You say
Too skinny 
I see
FAT

You say I’m clueless
True that is of you,
I just hold back 

You see inexperienced 
Truth is
I’m tired of giving my all

You see cold 
It’s just pain.

You see ms unaffectionate
It’s in your head
I know the way you think 

I see it all.

Monday 19 February 2018

There comes a point in life when the past needs to be left to rest and and moving on is for the best. At that point dont look back, let those memories 'Hit The Sack'

Why look back?
She’s gone.
Hit the sack.
Your voice;
no longer the melody to her song.
From you she has moved on.
It’s now their hearts, beating in synchrony.
It’s he who is her perfect symphony;
and his; the eyes that have her in captivity.
She hates you.
There’s nothing now, that you can do.

Thursday 8 February 2018

Of all the feelings in existance, it is 'Jealousy' which kills all hope and desire.


Jealousy
consumes me
every time I hear ‘she’
Still you think of her.

I love you
but, where does your past leave me? 
Memories that with her you share,
those you still remember
from when I, wasn’t there
Determined you say you are
to close and latch the entrance to your heart
You say that;
but, from the graveyard of your past
day by day, from the dead, you bring her back
No matter what you say,
you miss her everyday
Evidently she occupies your heart
Best wishes even if because of her we part.

Sunday 4 February 2018

This is dedicated to someone very special- who even in my darkest time has been able to lighten up my mood and find accommodation in my ‘Heart and Mind’

Laying in a hospital bed
Rather be with you instead 
Thoughts of you forever in my head 

To see but not you I would rather go blind 
Memories of you I can never leave behind
You live in the home I’ve built for you in my mind

Now that we are apart
Stronger is the connection between you and my heart
In this time of darkness- my star

Laying in a hospital bed
The one thing constantly in my head 

You are

Monday 29 January 2018

True rage is one which is triggered by the danger or possible loss or harm of someone near and dear. At any point, I am ready so 'Bring it on'

Text received
danger it reads
Don’t come
until the coast is clear
In saying that-
two seconds I will be near
Sit back I will not
my rage not even through my reply will you spot
Fire behind my eyes
within my heart an unimaginable scorn
Ready I am
Bring it on

Tuesday 23 January 2018

Hiding a secret may have previously been effortless, however when she can read your every move it becomes easier to just 'Tell Her'


Mind screams
‘TELL HER!’
Heart fears losing her.

Of her
a clouded judgement resides deep within

The woman she claims to be-
is that she?
I don’t want her to leave 

Too many times
exposure was a path way to loneliness
my heart aches to keep her

so I can’t tell her 

Not now

That face
fills me with hope
but frightens me also

Her words strike me
but her nature- my pacifier 

Tell her
Don’t tell her
Tell her

Don’t tell her
Oh god… once again
here it comes-

‘I made a mistake’

What are you doing?
Is that what you want?

‘and I still have to live with it’ 

she is going to hate you.

‘I completely understand if
after this you don’t want to talk to me’

You are scaring her.
She’s gone pale now!
Change the subject!
Tell her you are joking!
Something… Anything
Just don’t tell her

‘I have a son’

Saturday 13 January 2018

I hate to break it to you, but perfection is all in your 'Imagination', life prides itself on its imperfections, this world is imperfect and that is what makes it so called perfect

You may never know how it feels 
Unless...

Imagine this,
You are in your bathroom 
Light some candles
Gently place them on the edge of the bathtub
Fill the tub 
Warm water and bubbles 
Turn on the AC 
Light breeze 

Now relax.

Candles die
Tub begins to empty without your permission 
Bubbles gone
You are cold 
AC on
Cold air

Now sit there...

Feeling it yet?
Cold
Empty 
In need of answers 
Needing the truth
Tired of make belief

Too good to be true.

Tuesday 9 January 2018

The anticipation that follows the trail of words you have let escape your mind and heart is enough to kill waiting for the recipient's 'Reply'

Heart beating at 90 miles per hour
It’s the inner me you’ve began to devour 

Checking my notifications 
It may not have been in your intentions 

Confusion is eating me alive 
Too soon is it for me to dive? 

Tick-Tock 
Please someone stop time- stop the clock

Scared
But for a challenge I am prepared 

I need to know where I stand 
Twenty-five past midnight, phone in hand 

The anticipation is killing me 
Whatever the outcome, I just want you to be happy 

Loving you feels like suicide 
Terrified, I’m waiting here for your reply

I wear "My battle" scars on my sleeves and lead my life with transparency.

Of your shit I was bound to tire My heart A victim, of a murder for hire   You I should despise But loving will be my demise.  Since you ref...